Will your child die of Bullycide?

 

Many thanks to Brenda for her courage and conviction and permission to use Jared's story for this article. Please read Jared's story at the end of this article, and visit the website dedicated to ending this needless cruelty.  This is an ongoing problem throughout the world. It needs to stop. 

I've tried my entire life not to hate people, to avoid the bitterness that comes with hatred and prejudice. There is one group of individuals that I could very nearly hate, though, and those are bullies. When I was a child, I had probably more than my share of bullies, due, in part to my small stature and the fact that we moved a lot. Always being the new kid has its special problems, and the new kid is like a bullseye to a school bully, because a new kid hasn't had the time to make friends and build alliances. They're out there on their own, until they do. 

I can remember when I was in grade school, and the new kid, being a bull's eye for girl and boy bullies alike. The girls would taunt me on the playground, threaten to cut my hair, exclude me or run away from me, saying cruel things. One particular day, I was about at the end of my rope with these abusers, having sat through an entire morning of having spitballs thrown across the classroom when the teacher would be turned writing on the board. I had already been kicked very hard, on the tailbone by a boy bully that day. When the bell rang and they all left, headed for the cafeteria, I stayed in my seat and cried. The teacher came over and tried to ascertain the problem, by I was inconsolable at this point. The straw had broken the camel's back. I had not talked to anyone about the things happening at school, not teachers, not even my parents. I would not stop crying, so the teacher brought the principal into the room. He talked to me, and calmed me down enough to get me to go with him and personally have lunch with him in the cafeteria. Just him and me. Those kids must've realized how much trouble they could be in, and began approaching our table with their desserts and food from their trays. I thought, trying to look good to that principal. I doubt if he was fooled, but the bullying stopped, at that school anyway. I didn't make friends there before we moved again, because I had no interest in befriending people who would treat me that way. 

In other schools I encountered different versions of bullying. I look back now, and realize that I must have had some strength, to never tell on them. Sometimes, the bullying gets worse if you tell. In one school the senior class heard about the cruelty of a group of girls I had hung around with, and threatened them. One senior (I was a freshman) told me, "there's something wrong with this class, they're just the meanest bunch of kids."  I silently agreed, and befriended another group of girls who were very nice. But then we moved again...

We moved to another town, in the middle of a terrible time with racial unrest and violence. I heard that a cheerleader had been shot in the face, so I decided I wasn't going to public school any more. My parents didn't fight me on it, I was fourteen then, and I was homeschooled from then on. This article is about children and teens who commit suicide as a result of being bullied. The one thing I had going for me was thinking, "I can get through this," and my faith in God. My family belief was that if you commit suicide, you couldn't ask forgiveness, and you've taken a life (your own), and therefore you would not go to heaven. Hey, it worked for me. 

I can remember, at one particular school, while at home, one day, I discovered a bunch of books on the martial arts, Ju-Jitsu, that an uncle had left at our house. I was fascinated by it, and read every one of them. The illustrations showed how you could defend yourself, and even put an attacker's eyes out, break their eardrums, and many other useful things to a bullied child. I was only ten, then, and had no one to practice with. The Ju-Jitsu defense idea slowly faded from my arsenal, and it's just as well-  violence begets violence. I excelled in my classes that year, and discovered the saying that I would hear much later, as an adult, "The best way to get even is to be a success" was true.

Most of the schools I attended harbored just a few bullies, and most of the student body was decent. It's just that the new kid makes a good target. They weren't all like the worst town I can remember. 

What bullies do

Calling another names, putting them down

Cruelty:  excluding the child, and recruiting others to do the same 

Taunting and constantly teasing

Ignoring the person, diminishing their importance

Threatening behavior, and singly or group intimidation 

Damaging another's belongings, with no chagrin 

Taking their books, hat, other items that belong to another

Making another do silly, embarassing things to be "included"

Physical harm, hitting, pulling hair, tripping another 

The types of bullies

Some of the indicators of an adult bully

Can be male or female, fellow employee or manager, husband, wife, or parent 

Makes mountains out of molehills, in order to control another

Unreasonable/rigid management style, his way or the highway 

Destroys staff moral, later "feels bad"

Now more apt to use learned cruelty through verbalization- aiming for "pushing the buttons" by using intimate knowledge to hurt another 

Sabotages the work of another 

Micro-manages 

Still makes cruel comments and put-downs

Uses jokes to target, saying, "I was just joking"

Was a bully or was bullied in school 

Imagine this (from www.jaredstory.com, used by permission)

"Imagine these things happening in our workplace. Imagine being harassed and humiliated day in and day out. Imagine being shoved in the hallways or knocked in the head--never knowing when the perpetrator will strike again. Imagine sitting quietly, eating your lunch, and being knocked from your chair. Just imagine that as your head hits the floor, you go in and out of consciousness, as you feel blow after blow, to your head and face. Imagine being told that if you ever defend yourself--you will be fired--but your attackers are allowed back the next day or the next week--to do it all over again. 

"Hard to imagine, isn't it? How absurd to think that any business in the United States would operate in that fashion and stay in business. Yet, in the business of public education, we are telling our children to expect it and accept it. The reality is that others took Brandon's life long before he ended his pain. Brandon was courageous. He fought a valiant battle, enduring all these things--until he lost all hope. Just imagine." Cathy, Brandon's mom, from www.jaredstory.com

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You Can Do Anything, An Hour At A Time: Suicide Is Not The Answer

It was a normal day at the TV station, I was the sales manager, and also responsible for writing, shooting, and editing some of the station's TV commercials. There was always plenty to do at the little non-profit station in southern New Mexico. It was the first time that I had worked at a television station, specifically a Christian programming station, having spent most of my career in mainstream radio up to that point. I still remember the day that I first walked into that station with my resume in hand, handed it across the desk to the station manager, saying, "I'm Dianne James, here's my resume, and I'd like to work for you." He looked at the resume and we had a good talk. 

At the conclusion of that talk, he said, "Well, you'll have to do sales in addition to other work..." I'd heard that before. I'd done that before, just not television, but I knew that if I could sell watermelons, potatoes, and radio airtime, I could sell television. Also, there was a more important purpose to this job. I didn't know it then, but it was an opportunity to help people, and to make a difference. The money wasn't great, since it was a non-profit, but it was also my first television job. The only other TV station I'd ever even visited was, as a young child, on my birthday when I was allowed to ring the bell on the Admiral Foghorn Show, a kind of West Texas version of Captain Kangaroo, in Odessa Texas. I didn't mention Admiral Foghorn. 

I would be one of three salespeople, and would go out with the manager to meet my assigned clients, during those first days on the job. Well, in a perfect world, that would have happened. The manager was a very busy man. He didn't have time to hold someone's hand and introduce them to everyone. So, one day while waiting for him to get off the phone, I decided not to wait any longer. I left and started making cold calls. Months passed until one day while going into the control room, I tripped and fell on a tiny little step-down into the room. I didn't know a human's foot could bend that far backwards. I couldn't walk. Needless to say, I was on crutches for a few weeks, and carrying a brief case, making sales calls, and by then it had snowed. Not a pleasant experience. After a particularly slow sales month, I was thinking that maybe this job wasn't meant for me, after all. My boss called me into the office one day and said he wanted me to be the sales manager. He had always been the sales manager, and, to my knowledge, no-one else had ever held that position except him, so I stayed. The staying proved to be a learning experience.

It was during my tenure as the sales manager that a woman walked into the station, desperate and hopeless. I asked her if I could help her, and she looked a little bewildered. She said, with a slight Spanish accent, "I don't know, I just came in here, I don't know why. My son got killed in a drive-by shooting in Las Cruces, and I just got out of court." I saw pain in her eyes. Enormous pain. She was on the verge of tears, as she relayed the story of how her son just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, when a bullet from a drive-by shooter took his life. I had children of my own, and at that moment something within me felt some of her pain. Well, there was no reason for her to be at the TV station, she didn't even know it was a television station; she said she'd just wandered in, from the court house across the street. I noticed the braces on her legs, her graying hair and a look in her eyes that made me feel like she thought I could do something about all of this. I told her, "Wait, I'll be right back."

I brought her a Bible from the office, and turned to the book of Job. "This has helped me many times in my life, and I think it will help if you read this," I told her.

She took the Bible, said ok, and sat down in the lobby, and began to read. I told her I'd be back in just a little bit. I left the room to give her time to read it. When I came back, she was gone. The Bible lay on the sofa, and I wondered if she had even read the passage. I felt bad, that maybe I should have gone back to check on her sooner, but she was gone and nothing could be done.

Time passed, and the CBS Sunday Morning staff members had come to Alamogordo to shoot a special about gang violence with Howdy and Yahooskin Fowler as a part of it, with their cross-country camel trip, raising awareness of gang violence. The woman who had wandered into the station days before was definitely on my mind. I finally found out who she was and called her in Las Cruces, to see how she was doing, she had been so down, so depressed about her son, I had wondered what had happened to her. She said, "Yes, I remember you." At the end of the conversation she said, "Thank you. You saved my life." 

The day she had walked in, I didn't know what that woman might do. I knew she was in pain, and very depressed. All I could do was talk to her and she to me, and try to give her some hope. I found out that no matter what our walk or position in life, we can help people along the way. You don't have to be a saint to help someone, either. Good thing, because I wasn't. All I knew is that she was so distressed, she might commit suicide. 

Suicide is not the answer, because what you are going through right now might be the experience that someone needs in the future to keep them from committing suicide, or giving up on life- a source of future joy for you, being able to truly help someone. There is great joy in this life for you, if you give it enough time to find you. It is these tumultuous times, these trials of life, that prepare us for what we have to do in the future. Unfortunately, too many take their own lives, not knowing that they could help someone else with their wisdom of having been in that pain, too. They don't realize that a person can do anything, an hour at a time. A day at a time. What it takes is talking about it- even if it's to a stranger. Maybe even a pastor. Many people try taking anti-depressants to deal with their problems, but I've found that the best and fastest way to face the most difficult situations is head-on, right through the middle of it. When a person is feeling that much pain, the perspective from which they're looking at the situation is skewed by that pain. For that reason, it seems hopeless. It really helps to vent to another person who will listen. Find one that will, even if it's a stranger, because tomorrow is a new day. The sun will rise, the birds will sing, and you will survive this. You will be stronger for having survived this, and you will then be in a special position to help someone else survive that pivotal moment when life is in the balance. 

Everyone has a purpose to their life. It takes many of us a long time to find what that is, but there is a purpose. You need to stay alive to find out what it is. Remember, too, that there are millions of people in this world who feel like they have no-one who loves them. There is love. Just keep living and striving for the joy that you will find. Keep learning and you'll keep growing. And don't forget, you can do anything, an hour or a day at a time. You'd be surprised to know how many people who are walking around happy today have, at least once, considered killing themselves. This moment now is but a tiny part of your wonderful journey of life ahead. If the Lord can use a plain old salesperson like me to help someone, He can certainly use you, too. Someone will need your love, someday. You can only love them if you're alive. 

Did you know:

30,000 people commit suicide each year in the United States - a rate of 11 in every 100,000 Americans, or one person every 17 minutes.. 

The Rocky Mountain region has the highest suicide rate in the country.. In 1998, the suicide death rate in Colorado was more than 14 people per 100,000, making it the 12th highest in the country and 36% higher than the national average.. 

An estimated 9,600 Coloradans seriously contemplate suicide each year and approximately one-half to two-thirds of these individuals are not being treated for their suicidal symptoms.

Key Facts About Suicide

The largest number of suicide deaths occur among middle-aged men, between 35 and 44 years of age, with the risk for suicide increasing for those with a mental illness or who abuse alcohol. 

Middle-aged men who commit suicide are also the least likely of all groups to seek mental health treatment prior to their death.. 

The risk of suicide death increases among men as they age and is particularly high among men who are 75 years or older. 

Most of the elderly who die from suicide are white and are not married.. 

The risk for suicide among women does not increase as they age.. 

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among youth, although suicide deaths among youth are relatively infrequent compared with other age groups.. 

Young people, particularly young women, are much more likely to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt than older adults.. 

Risk factors for suicide can be characteristics of an individual (being male, having a mental or physical illness, having a family history of suicide), situational (living alone, being unemployed) or behavioral (alcoholism, drug abuse or owning a gun).. Individuals at risk for suicide tend not to seek treatment for their emotional problems. Getting this population into care is an important goal of suicide prevention efforts.. National data suggest that only one-third (36%) of people at risk for suicide visited a medical care provider within the past year. Only 10% report having seen a physician for their emotional problems and an additional 29% visited a physician for other reasons.

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