I’ll begin my short story by saying that you’re already on the right path. See, when you ask these kind of questions it means that you’re already fighting.
Every since I was a kid I knew something is wrong with me. I was too sensitive, I was too jealous, I was too shy, I even was too serious sometimes. So, because of all that in one beautiful sunny day, depression knocked on my door. I greeted it with love in the beginning, thinking that I really need to think about all the things that are going on in my life. So, I thought about depression as a benefit for me. I was so wrong…
It punched me so hard, I couldn’t stand up. I was on the ground confused and scared. Everything happened so quickly, I wasn’t prepared for it. When I was depressed, I would go online and read everything that people say and I would actually believe it.
One day, I read about this new method of infecting people with AIDS . They injected blood with AIDS in bananas, so when people would eat them they will get infected.
Note: After consulting a doctor, he told me that even if you eat that banana with the blood, you will not get infected. Because AIDS positive blood, can’t live more than 1-2 hours outside of a body. It will take at least 30 minutes to deliver the bananas to the store, and another hour to arrange them on the shelves. So, there is a small if not zero percentage to be infected.
So, one day I was sitting on the couch pilling my banana and watching TV. When I took a bite, the banana was hard and when I took a closer look at it, it had blood in it. And boy oh boy, that’s when Paranoia knocked on my door. I was so paranoid, and my depression was getting worse and worse, along with my paranoia. I couldn’t eat anything, and as a result I lost like 10 kg. What I did wrong, was going online and google-ing it again. People were saying that if you lose weight fast, it could be because of HIV/AIDS. I freaked out instantly.
It was getting worse and worse. So, I got to a point where it couldn’t get worse. It was worse than being worse. I lived with it for 3 months, it was like going through hell. During those 3 months, I was so scared, depressed, paranoid and nervous that all I wanted was to wake up and go to sleep as soon as possible.
After 3 months in hell, I had enough. I was looking for help, asking people to share their stories with me so I can calm down a little bit. I was constantly reading people’s stories on Quora, Medium and Facebook. I was in my room these 3 months, and if I’m not wrong I went outside only 5 times during these 3 months. I was refusing everyone when asked to go out, because I felt so insecure and scared I couldn’t think about anything else than AIDS and the fact that I will die soon.
One day, I decided to accept every invitation from my friends. And then I realized, I had no friends lol.
My girlfriend was going through hard times with me, because of my depression. So, I decided that I will never refuse any invitations from my girlfriend. Screw my depression, I will make her happy at least if I can’t make myself happy.
I accepted to go out to watch a movie. I was forcing myself to watch that movie, not that I didn’t like it but because my paranoia was on again. After that, I accepted to travel to Romania with her. My depression was getting better because I was focused on the things that she wanted to do.
Later. I accepted to travel to United States for 4 months. We were going on the beach, even tho I didn’t like the beach. We were going shopping which I didn’t like at the time. We were going out, which I found to be boring. But somehow, by forcing myself to do all those things, I forgot that I was depressed. I was so focused on making her happy, and by doing so I made myself happy.
We came back home, and I started to improve my life by forcing myself to learn new things. I was attending university at the time, studying programming. So, one day my girlfriend told me that the company that I always wanted to work for, are open to apply for internship. She forced me to go and see what’s all about.
After 2 weeks, I was accepted. And later after 3 months, I got officially hired. I was so happy, and my girlfriend was happy for me as well. Now, I’m no longer depressed because I do what I have to do, so I can do what I want to do.
Forcing yourself to do things that you don’t feel like doing, will pay later in life. It’s like investing your money in a company that are hungry to be successful. They will do whatever, just to get there.
However, there’s one thing you’ll have to keep in mind. Getting rid of your depression won’t take that long, it will take longer to heal the damage from it. One of the damage it did to me was, ruining my memory. In the beginning I wrote “I even listen to the songs that I used to listen when I was depressed, in order for me to get into that emotional state again. I’ll explain later why.”. It’s because I don’t remember those feelings. I don’t remember the feelings before my depression, nor after. My brain is damaged, so it loses some memories.
Sometimes I have to read what I’m writing twice, in order to remember what I was thinking about haha. So, sorry if my answer doesn’t make sense to you. I probably forgot what I was talking about.
My advice to you. Be strong. Do what you gotta do, so you can do what you want to do.
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